I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
