Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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