It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
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After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
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PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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