Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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