I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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