Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
