so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
