You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
