I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
hell yes lets make some ravioli
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall