we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law