I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
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I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.