My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
we made out on top of his cat.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth