Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
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Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
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When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.