I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
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dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
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I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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