Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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