I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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