First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
