Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
