You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
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You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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