how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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