today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
