all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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