The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
