Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just invented taco cereal.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
