you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
