My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
