I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i may or may not be watching the land before time
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
