My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
