i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
