She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
