good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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