I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
