i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
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Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
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All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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