I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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