i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
