I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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