Ketchup is God's man juice
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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