he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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