I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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