I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
