he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
