i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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