dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
