you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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