he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
