I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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