It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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