I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
