she looked like the before picture.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
