My friends, they love my intelligence
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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