He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
