You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
