I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Randomize
