EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My feet surprised me
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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