I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
