maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
