I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
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That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
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After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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