Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
