And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
